Empathy

This is a topic I really wanted to write for a long while now, because to me it’s one of the most important leadership skills yet not usually perceived as such.

As usual, let’s start with the definition:

The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

From https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/

So why does empathy matter in the context of leadership? Well, because we are leading people and if you want to lead people then you need to understand how people behave and have the ability to walk in their shoes. Empathy it’s not about being friends with everyone – although I believe that would help – nor it is about being “soft”, but I do believe that establishing trusteable relationships helps. It’s mostly about listening.

If you understand how others feel you are able to make more informed decisions, it’s about bend of break really. Let’s imagine you need to implement a controversial measure for the benefit of all in the company. If you want to use “dicatorship” (just for the sake of the explanation here) you would dictate your team how the measure needs to be implement and when. You are very likely to encounter a lot of resistance. Also, if you are leading them by fear, your team will probably not raise relevant points to you as they will be afraid of getting negative feedback from you. They will hold their thoughts and feelings because they don’t want to be in the line of fire. Sounds familiar? I guess in our careers at some point or another we would have been in this scenario.

In this case, if something goes wrong then it will be your fault as it was your idea and your measure to be implemented, none of the team members will take any accountability over it (or harder to get it).

I would like to point out that a lot of people actually need to be told what to do and need a daily reminder of their priorities for them to be able to operate at their best. Even in this scenario empathy is relevant because you will be able to recognize who need more rule versus someone who just needs clarity on what’s the goal to be achieved but needs more space to deliver it and cannot work under micromanagement.

An empathic leader will try to understand why people might feel resistancy to a certain measure or to a certain situation before communicating it. Then will explain it to the team and why it needs to be done. If you know someone who will be particular resistant to it, then you can always have a one on one and ask some questions about where the resistance is coming from. Please acknowledge that you might know all the facts. Through paying attention to all the members of your team and getting to know them you will get to know or have a better view of how each and every one of them will feel, but having a deep conversation where you ask the relevant questions and activity listen will be the key. You don’t need to agree with their point of view, you just need to understand and acknowledge to them you really understand. Maybe you can even find some middle ground, or a suitable compromise that will work for all of you.

Let’s imagine a situation where a team member has noticed something is really not working and could jeaopardise a specific project. To whom do you believe it will be easier to share this information? To the “dictator” (the boss) or to the empathic leader?

You don’t know what you are missing out until you realize you were missing out!

Now more than ever where all of us have to deal with more stress than usual, either because of the change to work remotely, job insecurity, home schooling, worring about our health and the safety of family and friends it is crutial to apply empathy in all relationships. It is your job to pay attention, to listen and to make the relevant questions and know something might be wrong and act before it’s too late. We live in a world of burn out and I do believe many times it could be avoided if there was someone there to act timely. There are always signs that start to show, you just need to pay attention to it. You think it’s a waste of time? Think how much time you and the team will lose if you loose a resource at a critical time due to burn out.

How many times have you heard the classic: “My door is always open” but then the words don’t match with the actions? I’ve heard this so many times it started not to mean anything. If your door is always open, truly open you don’t need to say it as you team will know you are approachable and reach out to you when you need to. It’s how you act that matters, not what you say.

There are other types of leaders highly effective, such as the charismatic leader, which can have zero empathy and still be highly successful, however I do believe sooner or later it would start to crack out. If you don’t understand the people working with you to get there, if you don’t make an effort to actively listen sooner or later you will lose out.

Leadership is at the end of the day a balancing act between the critical skillsets for that given situation / time. And empathy is for sure one of the critical skills to be held. However, why do we see it so little?

When people are starting their careers they get used to think about what their line managers is asking and needs, so there is a constant focus on the top of the pyramid. Also quite a lot of classic leadership books would focus on thinking ahead, and establishing powerful relationships with people above you or around your level in the organization. It’s those relationships and how you manage the communication to the senior people and the decision makers that will get you promoted (most of the time). So in essence, the practice of empathy is not encouraged as it should. If you are lucky to work for a line manager with strong empathy skills you will be encouraged to do the same, but same as diversity, empathy requires constant focus and refocusing to actually be promoted within the organization.

If you are still in doubt, then let’s think about a different question: how many people do you have to loose until you realize there is a big problem that needs to be addressed? Believe it or not, a lot of organizations still struggle with this. How late is too late and can you absorb that cost? Most likely the answer will be no.

One day you are the employee, the next day you will be in the decision making seat with the power to decide on whether or not to make a business deal with your previous company. So think wisely. Empathy matters, it always did.

Further reading:

• Forbes: Empathy is an essential leadership skill
• Center for creative leadership: The importance of empathy in the workplace
• Lolly Daskal: Why the empathetic leader is the best leader