Mental Health week

Over the last few years talking about mental health has been more prominent, which was quite helped by having major celebrities opening up about it. For instance I recommend James Arthur’s documentary on BBC – Out of our minds (you need tv license for this). I found it really relevant as it’s from a male’s perspective and unfortunately there is an internalized stigma in relation to talking about any mental health issues. Men don’t cry, men do men up but it’s a narrative that it’s been pretty harmful over the years.

Like we have physical health, mental health is even more important because if the mind is not in the right state it can trigger a series of physical issues later on for many reasons:

• If your mind is not in the right place you will start having unhealthy behaviours, like struggling to sleep, not eating well, not exercising
• Any increased stress will trigger your fight or flight response, which if sustained for longer periods of time – say over the years – it will start to impact your organs (good article here)
• It will lower your immune system given the above and make you more prone to catch any viral / bacterial infections that might be going around
• If anything happens to you, you will be weaker to fight back and raise back up

So overall, it’s a pretty good deal! It is important and there should be absolutely no shame in talking about it. As Brene Brown says, dare to lead from a place of vulnerability.

What it means from a leadership perspective?

I’m sorry but it’s far more than a few random yoga days in the office and the odd newsletter here and there. Without empathy you will loose your employees, or in a different way, if they don’t bring their best self to work because they are overworked and exhausted, I doubt they will be able to drive ROI to your shareholders. As it seems that all that matters these days is the return for the shareholders, well here’s one that is worth keeping an eye on.

If word comes out, it would become a reputational risk, both your clients, investors and future talent would avoid working with you and instead they will find a similar company where they know mental health is engrained in the culture and not just something which is “promoted” just to tick a box. Depending on the industry there could even be a regulatory board that could investigate you and fine you for it.

And don’t get me started on the “pizza rewards”. No, pizza won’t cut it for compensating employees for working many weekends in a row and crazy hours. If you want to reward your team, protect them and do all you can to avoid having people overworked.

Like any relationship, if they feel their leadership has their back and they can be their best self, they will do amazing & innovative things which will help you be at the front edge of innovation.

And keep an eye on this, new generations are seeing the impacts of workism on their parents and they realize that’s not what they want, so to retain the future talent you need to survive in the age of AI, you really have to rethink how you treat your employees. They are an asset not a liability. It’s all in your hands to turn around that balance sheet.

What can you do as a leader or line manager?

Every single person who is responsible for someone in the organization has a role to play. Even colleagues play a role here. Be humble and dare to be vulnerable. Here’s an example, during covid times there was a point where both my personal circunstances and work led me too close to burnout. I just didn’t had the energy to carry on as I was. So what did I do? I called my line manager and explained the situation, I told him I just needed a few days to reset and be back stronger. My line manager didn’t even blink, he had my back and I knew it was genuine.

What did I do next? I didn’t just setup the usual OOO, I spoke with my team. On our team meeting I told them I would be away because I wasn’t feeling well mentally and I really needed some time off to reset and breathe. It was important to me that my team saw my example (as their line manager) talking about it and saying it’s ok, it happens to all of us. It doesn’t make me any week, just makes me human. I asked them to look out after each other, if they see anyone too stressed out, to have their backs. To date, they are still an amazing team that support each other and feel happy to be there.

So a moment of vulnerability became a moment of strenght and a moment I am extremely proud of. Can you imagine how powerful this could be if every single person was brave enough to be vulnerable and say I don’t feel great (no need to disclose the why, it’s up to you) so I’m going to take care of myself. Especially if it’s someone above you. Until you walk the walk all you say is a bunch of empty words. If you really want to make a difference – and we all have the power to do so – dare to be humble, to listen, to be vulnerable.

On the other side of the coin, I had someone coming to me very close to burnout (similar situation as mine, where it was a time of too much work and problems at home). I did sit down with the person and asked him to take all the time he needed, that I would find someone to do the critical items he was doing so that he could focus on himself (it’s up to you as a line manager to ensure you have a contigency plan to cover if anyone in the team is sick or needs to take unexpected time off). Being prepared to listen and offer a plan that would help him made a difference. I couldn’t use a coach stance here (if you want to learn more about the coaching stances check here) and let him figure it out, because the most important thing was to be sure he knew I had his back and at least he wouldn’t need to worry about work.

What you can do as an employee

The most important point is awareness. You need to be aware of the state in your mind and recognize the early signs that you need to change direction. Don’t ignore them as it will be easier to recover the earlier you start (like any physical illness too). There are some expected signs – for instance check here but each person is different, so you need to be able to recognize what your ones are.

Prevention – You won’t be able to prevent everything, life is unexpected so even for those who are mentally fit, there could be a big rock on the road that makes us all stumble. However, what is in your control take care of yourself.

• Establish and protect your boundaries – I wrote about it in the power of saying no.
• Exercise – exercise has the obvious physical benefits but it’s also amazing for the mind and a great form of self care. A lot of people have an allergic reaction to the word exercise because we would typically link it with hitting the gymn for hours. It doesn’t have to. Just find your groove and get moving. From a mental health perspective, going for a walk in your favourite part can be more beneficial that spending 1h in a close gymn. Go for a dance with a friend, or a swim in the ocean. Find what works for you and keep it going.
• Food – Again another form of self care that also impacts your physical health. You don’t need to be a trained chef to prepare food which is good for you. Eat the rainbow, add some seasonal veggies with protein and keep it going. I would say the best way to ensure you eat well is to take the time to plan in advance and do the shopping in line with that plan. The worst is really on a busy mid-week day having to think what to eat, however if you already took the time to think about it beforehand it should be a lot easier. There are many youtubes and recipe websites which you can reach out for inspiration. Doesn’t have to be exotic. Go to your local shop (or online) and buy fresh / frozen raw ingredients and get going.
• Rest – So underrated, but rest is key. Find opportunities to rest on a day to day perspective. Some might want a power nap (I’m not good at those), a 20m reading a nice book by the window to decompress. Whatever it is, block in your calendar a moment to let your mind rest.
• Sleep – A good night sleep is a superpower, it’s the best medicine you can give your body and mind. Protect your sleep as if it’s sacred because it really is! If your kids wake up at 05 in the morning, then go to bed as early as you can. Maxime your changes for sleep, even if that means the kitchen is a mess or there are things that weren’t done, but don’t compromise on your sleep. Also try to make it as consistent as you can (wake up and sleep time) as that helps your internal clock to regulate. Avoid heavy meals, alchoohol and sugar which will impact the quality of your sleep. You could read Why we sleep by Matthew Walker for some inspiration.
• Talk about it – Finally, reach out to a close friend, your family, a work bestie or even a charity – like https://www.mind.org.uk/ . Don’t think you have to face it alone, so many others are struggling to. It’s ok not to feel ok, it’s ok and encouraged to reach out for help. Who knows, once you get back up in your feet you might be in a position to help others going through the same as you just did. The more people talk about it, the less lonely others will feel and that in itself is a great step towards better mental health.

Any other ideas you would like to share? Feel free to reach out 🙂

The power of saying No

Ah No! That little word we learn around when we are 2 years old and are told by our parents that we are just a terrible 2.

Yet it’s such a powerful word despite having negative connotations and one we need to re-learn how to use all over again. Go in front of the mirror and practice with me: No. Not a but, not a maybe, just a No.

But why is it so hard to say no?

Let’s face it, we are people pleasers. We evolved by being next to others, having each others backs against predators or other enemies. Belonging to a community was part of our survival, it’s wired in our brains. So it’s not easy. Worst of them all is to say no when everyone around you says yes.

Say you get a request on a friday night to work over the weekend, if the first person of the team says yes, that’s it, the rest of you will feel cornered into pulling one for the team. You don’t want to be the one saying no, unless it’s something really major like a family funeral or your kids birthday. All of you will be upset about it, because who loves being called last minute to work when you were planning to rest? Even if you had no plans at all, well there’s one you didn’t had: work!

We avoid hard conversations – and that includes saying no – because we don’t like conflict. It’s not comfortable and we want to belong. Many of us all assume – with some evidence – that if you say no you are limiting yourself in your career growth. What if it’s not quite like that? What if you might end up being respected for it?

Establishing boundaries

The first step is to recognize what your boundaries are. What are your non compromisable slots / actions? Is it that you want to take the kids to school or want to start your day with some exercise? Or rather that after 17h30 you really need to spend time with your family, cook dinner and eventually unwind yourself? Just identify what those are and a) add them in your calendar and b) communicate to those that could impact them what they are.

The more specific you are the better, e.g. every weekday I want to run from 07h to 08h and that includes any prep time before / after running. Or maybe it’s not every day and just tuesdays and thursdays.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

Trust me, you cannot rely on common sense for people to know what your boundaries are. I guess whereas everyone can accept that being called at 03a.m, 07a.m might be ok for some but not for others. So the key here is to communicate. Be as clear and assertive as you can regarding your boundaries. This is valid with your family, friends and at work too.

Work wise, this would be a really good topic for your 1 on 1 with your line manager. If you don’t have them, then start to schedule them. If you receive requests which you don’t like, the fault is not only on the requestor but also on you for not making it clear what’s acceptable and what’s not. Most companies will have a code of conduct, and in some countries even specific laws (like in France, where it’s against the law to call employees after hours (here) – we seriously have a lot to learn from them). But as we are all unique, so our boundaries. So if you want to avoid disappointment and high levels of stress I would make them all clear.

I would go as far as also share them with your colleagues, in the coffee break you can say how taking your kids to school really makes you happy and it’s a non compromisable slot for you, or playing football with your friends thursday night. If you are willing to share them, you will find others will too, in turn making it easier for you guys to protect each other. Ah I won’t book that call with Steve as it’s thursday and he’s going to football, lets do friday morning instead.

Don’t be afraid to say No

For every yes you say, it’s a sequence of No’s you are saying. If you stay late in the office you will miss dinner with your family and your rest. Is it something you are willing to “sacrifice”? Yes it’s nice to say yes to people, it feels good as just discussed but how bad does it feel when you compromise your boundaries and over time, might end up with burnout due to saying yeses to everyone but to yourself?

So don’t be afraid to say no.

Say No is one of the best tools for self-care. Is it against one of your boundaries? Then say No. If you’ve invested the time in communicating what is not compromisable, then saying no should be a lot easier. Yes there might be the odd exception when you might end up saying yes, but it can’t be the rule.

Someone who has the courage to say no will be respected, because we ALL struggle with it after all. Your line manager has the same problem too, believe me. We all do. So if you say no and it’s clear you are doing so to protect your boundaries, you will be respected. If they still argue that you have to do x, y and z and don’t respect you, then it’s really time for you to find some other place. Most people though, would understand and be able to find a compromise somewhere.

I have to admit I’m really with Gen Z on this one. We just keep on saying yes again and again, and in turn we are boiling like our friend the frog in the pan. It’s hard, it’s itchy but if you don’t protect yourself no one will. There will always more work, more to do’s that demand your time and attention. How much are you willing to sacrifice from your mental health just so you don’t have to say no?

I do believe in the power of every single no. It will protect you and others will be encourage to do the same. Maybe it will shift organizations to understand that we are not robots and if they expect excellence and delivery they have to respect the employees too. If you are exhausted and in burnout you cannot give your best self nor resolve problems. You might break to the point of no return and might not even get a thank you back. So yes give your best, feel proud of your achievements every day but don’t forget to take care of yourself, even if that means using a good old fashioned: NO.

Great Expectations

How great expectations are leading to great disappointment and it’s all our fault.

Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with the book from Charles Dickens (or maybe it does).

Let’s face it, we live in a world with unprecedently great expectations. Everyone expects something out of you, you expect a great deal of those around you and on yourself as well. With all the technology around us, we just expect more more and more.

You are expected to be a great parent, the best employee your company can have, the best partner at home and be extremely fit – both physically and mentally. Although we always had expectations – it’s part of being human after all – the imbalance started to come when suddendly work expectations just kept on growing as if not even the sky is a limit.

In a post-covid world, companies got hooked to the long hours we were doing when working from home while at the same time they started to demand all employees to be back at the office, some the full 5 days others some kind of hybrid in between.

The concept is a lot older really, but did indeed accelerate with technology and the rise of the smart phones. You can have emails and internal messaging 24/7 so you are expected to pick up on those email and messages all the time. Bit by bit we started to do so. We wake up in the morning and check emails and work messages (not just instangrams and tik-toks). In the evening, while you are doing dinner, you end up checking emails too and after dinner might even be back to your desk – now that we all know we can work from home – and continue just to catch up on a few things.

Then weekend comes and because the week was so crazy we end up doing some work over the week too. What was meant to be just a quick scroll through the emails and to dos, easily becomes a few hours which are not eating from your personal and rest time. Little by little we do more and more.

This keeps getting encouraged when celebrating success at your organisation. How many individual or team awards will contain something in the lines of: “This team or individual worked weekends and really long hours to get this work done! Amazing, well done!”. I can’t but roll my eyes at this as I know it keeps on fueling the expectation that we need to carry on to do more.

If you see your whole team logging late and sending emails over the weekend you will end up – unconsciously – feeling guilty and also wanting to be there for the team. But the more everyone does, the more management expects you to do.

The reward for good work is always more work.

Now breaking news, it’s all our fault as well.

Gen Z has a point here (Good summary from Deloitte on Gen Z here). All other generations believe they are lazy, spoiled and don’t want to commit to anything. But what if they have a point? They want to do meaningful work and want to feel connected and don’t seem to be willing to accept workism. I say they do have a point and we should try to see the world from their point of view.

If we all continue to fueling the constant rising expectations how can we expect they will become realistic? It’s everyone’s role to bring them down to earth.

Protect your boundaries

We all have the same 24h, but if you want to avoid burnout or end up consumed by work (workism) then you have to protect your boundaries. Yes there will be cases where indeed you have to do more work. There are major milestones and it’s really critical you are there. But then you need to be able to step down when it’s no longer critical.

A lot of the work that comes late – including requests to work late evenings and weekends – comes down to bad planning. If we don’t challenge those asks, the people responsible for articulate the plans will never step back and revisit what they are doing, they will just continue to use your personal time (and all your team’s time) as contigency to get work done.

Always start by asking: is this really critical? Is someone dying? Will the organization go down or could this result in a major reputational risk? Or does it come down to someone doing bad planning and now you don’t want to say no to the leadership team? If it’s the latter, I’m afraid to say it, but step up to your mistakes. A lot comes due to missing communications between those responsible for planning and the team actually doing the work.

I would never expect someone to be able to plan everything in isolation, you need the experts to tell you how long it takes. With experience, the ones responsible for planning can judge if the estimates are being conservative or not, but that dialogue needs to exist. Just don’t come and ask for your team to work every weekend (or quite a big number of them).

Don’t be afraid to challenge the asks by having a constructive dialogue with your line manager, you might find both learn quite a lot along the way.

As for the organisation’s point of view – as I’ve written quite often – a well rested brain is more efficient at resolving difficult situations and bringing up creative to either resolve big problems or keep on adding more value to clients and stakeholders alike.

The age of burnout

“Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.” – Michael Gungor

Welcome to the age of burnout

Isn’t it funny that in the age of AI we totally forgot how to be human? Let’s go back to the basics and lets look at the pyramid of the human needs. If work is everything, we start to compromise even the most basic needs. Burnout is a way of your body to tell you to stop and to callibrate yourself before it’s too late.

What is burnout?

Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and often physical exhaustion brought on by prolonged or repeated stress. Though it’s most often caused by problems at work, it can also appear in other areas of life, such as parenting, caretaking, or romantic relationships. From Psychology today

Why so many of us and at such young ages are getting burnt out?

1 – Social media and the age of “you can have it all”.

Spoiler alert: no you can’t! We all have 24h and as per the basic pyramid of needs, we need rest. The brain doesn’t function properly without proper rest. If you go to bed thinking about work and the kids and all the things you haven’t done, you are not allowing yourself to decompress and actually rest.

We see all this self-made millionaires in silicon valley who advocate just a few hours sleep if you want to be successful. Well, what does success mean to you? If it’s burn out, you are on the right path.

2 – High expectations

Expectations have never been higher than before, not just those from society on you, but those you hold on yourself (oh boy, am I guilty of this one!). You have to be the acing your career, you have to be the best husband / wife, the best parent and attend everything your kids do at school and volunteer at school and in your local community and and and.

I remember my parents going to work and never bringing any work home. They did what was in the contract, no more, no less. Then we were told if you go to university you will get a good job and feel something you feel proud of. We mold our identity on the job title we have. Our ego’s feel amazing about it. You continuously compare yourself to others and your expectations keep on going higher and higher.

3 – The biggest lie of the century: multi-tasking

We have devices all over, 24/7 notifications demanding our attention, at the same time as emails keep on coming at the speed of light, and meetings because we have teams around the globe, and the kids can’t open the cooking jar and your other half doesn’t know where the car keys are. Our brains are not geared for this. If you keep on jumping from one task to the next and back again you are just burning yourself. There is nothing more restorative than a few hours of mindful focus. Focus on 1 thing and get it done. Is this how we function? Hell no.

I could add so many other reasons, so many in fact I could write a whole book about it.

What can we do about it?

Spoiler: The below lines are just a bunch of common sense but I still feel like adding them to remind ourselves.

Just say no

Practice with me: No. Not maybe, No. If your kid wants the 10th chocolate what do you say? No. That’s the no I’m after. No

Say no to everything which is not priority for you. Say no to your boss, say no to your colleagues, say no to your partners, say no to your kids. Prioritize where you say yes. And the first yes you need to use is for yourself. Yes am I going to take care of myself. Yes my rest is priority and I’m going to drop everything else during this slot which is not rest. (I wrote quite a lot about this in the “frog & the pan“)

Let the small fires burn, someone else can deal with them or they will burn and not need any action on them. You might even be more respected for having said No.

If you burn out there is no going back to your old self. What will you get from work? A pat in your back? They will move on without you, but you ruined your life. These days there are some leaders who really believe that the work you do is the reward you seek, that you feel fulfilled in doing what you do. And a lot of us might actually believe it! Remember this, if you get seriously ill there will be no going back.

Find ways to decompress

We are not made to be sitting with our butts for 12h in a row. We need to keep active and in contact with nature. So get out there and go for a quick walk in your local park. Join a class, whatever rocks your boat and works for you! There is a point where the brain is not productive anymore, so you will just be spending more hours to do something you could do in less than 1h if you had a well-rested mind. Stress is also a killer of creativity, which all companies need anyway (I wrote about it here). Find a slot that works for you and use it to restore some energy back in your brain. Book a meeting with yourself and do what you need to do.

Connect with others

We evolved close to others, it’s core to our survival throughout history. So you need to prioritize meaningful connections, either with your family, your friends, or those that you relate to (e.g. common interests). Talk with someone on how you feel, this might help you gain the clarity of mind to understand how deep in a hole you actually are (others might see it more clearly than ourselves).

Be the example you seek

Well someone has to stop it, especially if you have at least 1 person you are responsible for in your job, be the example. Lead with empathy, encourage others to turn off and unplug when they need to unplug and have their back. Wouldn’t it be amazing if at least every 1 person looked after just another person in the company?

Further reading:

Burnout

https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/stress/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jun/08/a-career-change-saved-my-life-the-people-who-built-better-lives-after-burnout

And before I end, a great video that sums it all.

Time out

No, I’m not talking about the magazine nor what we tell the kids when they are naughty. I’m referring to time out work (or whatever is stressing you out).

For some reason we live in an environment where we are expected to work at full capacity (or more), all the time and always be smiley and perfect. We can’t deal with negative emotions at all and we just tend to avoid them or hide them far far away so they can never be found.

Bad news is, we are human after all. We can’t be perfect – by nature we are imperfect – we can’t climb the tree (organizational tree), be perfect husbands / wifes, be perfect parents, perfect friends, perfects whatevers. Something has got to give, as blunty as that.

We all know this right? But why can’t we speak about it? I bet it’s way easier to speak about other tabu-like topics such as sex than it is to ackoledge sometimes we just need time out. I’m yet to see someone asking for time-out before they reach burn-out.

Well know I have: me! Yap, no shames, no guilty, no nothing. I was not feeling myself nor in a good place mentally so I had to ask for the unthinkable, and I’ve asked for time out.

• Do I feel a weaker or ashamed I’ve asked for time-out? No!
• Do I feel this will jeopardise my value as an employee? No!
• Do I worry what my colleagues will think of me? No! (and I’ve told my team I was taking a day off because I was not feeling mentally great)
• Do I think in fact I feel stronger after having the courage to just voice it? Yes!
• Do I feel I did the right thing? Absolutely

I know I am priviledged that I work in a place where I can ask for time-out. But why is this a priviledge though? It shouldn’t be! We accept we need time off if we are sick (at least most places do). But why do we still struggle so much at discussing more openly about mental health?

Some places are discussing about it, yet there’s rarely an emples from the top about recognizing our falibility: we are just human! It’s ok not to be ok, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed, it’s ok to feel tired. What is not ok is not to stop to recognize you just need some time out to reset and clear your mind. If you believe asking for time-out will have such negative impacts in your company I would urge you to consider to find another job (as soon as the opportunity arrives).

So just take a moment to reflect where you are right not and what do you need. If you feel overwhelmed, tired, too stress to cope with what you have on your plate, just ask for time out. Take a day off and go for a walk, binge on netflix, whatever you need to clear your mind and relax.

Other articles:

• How to speak with your boss about anxiety (here)
• Another one here
• When you’re boss is secretely thinking about quitting (here)