The power of saying No

Ah No! That little word we learn around when we are 2 years old and are told by our parents that we are just a terrible 2.

Yet it’s such a powerful word despite having negative connotations and one we need to re-learn how to use all over again. Go in front of the mirror and practice with me: No. Not a but, not a maybe, just a No.

But why is it so hard to say no?

Let’s face it, we are people pleasers. We evolved by being next to others, having each others backs against predators or other enemies. Belonging to a community was part of our survival, it’s wired in our brains. So it’s not easy. Worst of them all is to say no when everyone around you says yes.

Say you get a request on a friday night to work over the weekend, if the first person of the team says yes, that’s it, the rest of you will feel cornered into pulling one for the team. You don’t want to be the one saying no, unless it’s something really major like a family funeral or your kids birthday. All of you will be upset about it, because who loves being called last minute to work when you were planning to rest? Even if you had no plans at all, well there’s one you didn’t had: work!

We avoid hard conversations – and that includes saying no – because we don’t like conflict. It’s not comfortable and we want to belong. Many of us all assume – with some evidence – that if you say no you are limiting yourself in your career growth. What if it’s not quite like that? What if you might end up being respected for it?

Establishing boundaries

The first step is to recognize what your boundaries are. What are your non compromisable slots / actions? Is it that you want to take the kids to school or want to start your day with some exercise? Or rather that after 17h30 you really need to spend time with your family, cook dinner and eventually unwind yourself? Just identify what those are and a) add them in your calendar and b) communicate to those that could impact them what they are.

The more specific you are the better, e.g. every weekday I want to run from 07h to 08h and that includes any prep time before / after running. Or maybe it’s not every day and just tuesdays and thursdays.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

Trust me, you cannot rely on common sense for people to know what your boundaries are. I guess whereas everyone can accept that being called at 03a.m, 07a.m might be ok for some but not for others. So the key here is to communicate. Be as clear and assertive as you can regarding your boundaries. This is valid with your family, friends and at work too.

Work wise, this would be a really good topic for your 1 on 1 with your line manager. If you don’t have them, then start to schedule them. If you receive requests which you don’t like, the fault is not only on the requestor but also on you for not making it clear what’s acceptable and what’s not. Most companies will have a code of conduct, and in some countries even specific laws (like in France, where it’s against the law to call employees after hours (here) – we seriously have a lot to learn from them). But as we are all unique, so our boundaries. So if you want to avoid disappointment and high levels of stress I would make them all clear.

I would go as far as also share them with your colleagues, in the coffee break you can say how taking your kids to school really makes you happy and it’s a non compromisable slot for you, or playing football with your friends thursday night. If you are willing to share them, you will find others will too, in turn making it easier for you guys to protect each other. Ah I won’t book that call with Steve as it’s thursday and he’s going to football, lets do friday morning instead.

Don’t be afraid to say No

For every yes you say, it’s a sequence of No’s you are saying. If you stay late in the office you will miss dinner with your family and your rest. Is it something you are willing to “sacrifice”? Yes it’s nice to say yes to people, it feels good as just discussed but how bad does it feel when you compromise your boundaries and over time, might end up with burnout due to saying yeses to everyone but to yourself?

So don’t be afraid to say no.

Say No is one of the best tools for self-care. Is it against one of your boundaries? Then say No. If you’ve invested the time in communicating what is not compromisable, then saying no should be a lot easier. Yes there might be the odd exception when you might end up saying yes, but it can’t be the rule.

Someone who has the courage to say no will be respected, because we ALL struggle with it after all. Your line manager has the same problem too, believe me. We all do. So if you say no and it’s clear you are doing so to protect your boundaries, you will be respected. If they still argue that you have to do x, y and z and don’t respect you, then it’s really time for you to find some other place. Most people though, would understand and be able to find a compromise somewhere.

I have to admit I’m really with Gen Z on this one. We just keep on saying yes again and again, and in turn we are boiling like our friend the frog in the pan. It’s hard, it’s itchy but if you don’t protect yourself no one will. There will always more work, more to do’s that demand your time and attention. How much are you willing to sacrifice from your mental health just so you don’t have to say no?

I do believe in the power of every single no. It will protect you and others will be encourage to do the same. Maybe it will shift organizations to understand that we are not robots and if they expect excellence and delivery they have to respect the employees too. If you are exhausted and in burnout you cannot give your best self nor resolve problems. You might break to the point of no return and might not even get a thank you back. So yes give your best, feel proud of your achievements every day but don’t forget to take care of yourself, even if that means using a good old fashioned: NO.

The frog and the pan

If you’ve read my original posts on this space you know I have a good friend, the frog. So this is the story about the frog in the pan and how it has followed me all my working life.

Like the frog, if we are thrown into a pan of boiling water we would jump straight out. We know it’s too much, we know it will kill us immediately.

But, if every day we warm up the pan a little bit, almost unnoticeable, then the frog starts to cook slowly but doesn’t realise as he adapts to the new temperature. The frog will end up cooked but won’t even realise it was time to jump a while back.

We are intelligent people, we think, there’s no way I would allow myself to “cook” (aka burn out). Let me bring you some stats: 79% of the UK workers will end up facing burn out (article here) especially if we consider the environment for more than 2 years. Personal life and office life become blurred and like the frog in the pan we are starting to boil without noticing. Though I do believe we actually notice but we end up without knowing what to do. It’s not so simple to jump out (even though we are in the midst of the great resignation).

Don’t be fooled, change in itself also adds to stress. Will you like your new job? Will you be able to adapt quickly? Will you like your new colleagues? Is it the company for you? What about your boss? Of course all of that would be thought through before you actually say yes but there’s nothing like being there to truly find out what it means for you. Many of us end up preferring to stay “with the evil you know” than jump into the unknown. So you stay.

You try to think about ways you can make the solution better, but before you realise your normal routines kick in and you’re not really changing until you really boil. 

Also there is something else that plays quite a big factor here. In some cases yes you are in the wrong company and your values don’t align with the company, your team could be the worst out there or your boss could be an ass. In those cases, by all means, face the jump and get out.

But… hands up if you believe the enemy is actually yourself. You can keep on changing companies but a few months on and you realise you are exactly following the same patterns of your old company. We are our worst enemy. Having the right boss – and I prefer to say line manager – will keep you grounded and challenge you to think about your ways of working so you can indeed make changes that help you long term. But mostly it’s actually self-inflicted.

• We like to be busy – or put another way – no one likes to say I have a lot of free time. It feels you are doing something wrong, that you are not making enough, that mind you, that you’re not cool because everyone else around you is super busy. It’s addictive. Yes, yes it is.
• Ego – I wrote a few times already but ego plays a big unconscious role. You compare yourself, you want to come out on top even if that means working until you boil.
• We don’t have enough examples when we start that show us there is another way. That if you work just smarter and focus on your priorities – without jeopardising your health and your valued relationships that you can still be successful. That feels unachievable, so you follow all the examples you see. 

The scary part is, all of what’s driving you to boil – or most of it – is unconscious. It’s routine, it’s in your working DNA.

It will require a lot of strength to break the cycle and implement incremental changes that will lower the temperature of your pan.

Before I dive into what can be done. I will quote something my husband keeps on repeating to me as a mantra:

“My boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, this is why I poop on company time.”

Maybe it’s a bit extreme, but there’s something to think about for sure.

At the end of the day, work is just work. It’s in your hands to make it more enjoyable and bearable. 

So what can you do?

• Learn to say no. Not just to others, but to yourself too. Every yes you say, it’s a lot of no’s you are also saying. If I accept this, it means I can’t have dinner with my family. It means I won’t have time to exercise. You get the picture. Saying no is hard. It is (unless your kids are asking you for the 1000th snack in the last 5 minutes). It requires practice. You can start with small steps. Say no to peers who ask your help and when you believe that will jeopardise your goals for the day. Then start by accessing your “yeses” and thinking about what you will lose in that time slot. Can you really fit it in your day? 
• Start your day by writing down your priorities. That’s to write, your top 3 things you really need to achieve that day which can be both work or personal. You need to have something measurable at the end of the day.
• Protect your calendar – I wrote at length here (show your calendar who’s the boss) but now you know what are your priorities you need to find slots for them. Ideally they would be done in the morning when your brain is fueled by coffee (unless you’re a tea drinker). Are there meetings in the middle that would get in the way of having a good 2h slot of uninterrupted work? Can you move them or even better do you really really need to go? Cancel them. Have a go, cancel them. See if anyone dies.
• At the end of the day assess what you’ve accomplished. I find myself always doing a stretch of work at the end of the day because I feel I achieved nothing during the day (just meetings). It’s a trap I keep on falling into. Probably if I had the time to retrospect about my day I would find I had already achieved more than I can think of by the end of the day. Really take a few minutes to think of what you’ve achieved and what you can do next day to achieve your top priorities. What failed? What was in the way? Did you need more uninterrupted time to get them done? With this in mind prepare your next day. 
• Think about your boundaries. What can you compromise and what can you not? As an example, except if I have to go to the office – I need to either drop my daughter at school or pick her up. It’s really important for her that I’m present and it’s important for me too. I get to chit chat with the other parents and establish relationships which help her as well make friends. I need to show my face. So if any meetings fall on those slots I say no to them. No matter who the requester is, senior or not. Same is valid with the bedtime routine. The answer is no. I’m not willing to compromise that. Maybe for you it’s a slot for daily exercise. Whatever it is and it can be multiple things. Think about them as they will act as your compass as to when you are taking too much.
• Once in a while (monthly, quarterly, even daily) assess how it’s going. How do you feel? How many days of utter stress and feeling out of control did you have? What are the things you can do to help you out? Do you need a day off away from work and family to think about what you can do to feel more grounded and healthier? Then take it! It might feel like 1 day’s loss and you’ll be even more behind where you wanted to be, but you’ll gain so much more. Maybe you’ve reverted back to saying too many “yeses”. Maybe you are not delegating enough. 
• Setting time aside for the things you really enjoy. We all have hobbies and things we really enjoy doing. Whatever those are, save time to do them. Ideally you would have time for them even during the week too. Even if it’s 15m, it can be totally refreshing for your mind. Sometimes I get 15m aside to read during my quick lunch break and those 15m give me a lot of energy to face the rest of the afternoon, not to mention they lift my mood (I obviously don’t read the news).
• Work out what works for you. There’s no one rule that fits all. You need to find what are the things you can do to help you live a more balanced life. Can well be asking for help – either for home commitments or work. We are not machines and it’s ok to slow down. If you are not boiling down you will be more productive at work and home. One single fresh idea is worth many tired ones. Try one of your ideas and see how it works. If it doesn’t work, go back to the drawing board and think of what could work. Finding what doesn’t work in itself is quite powerful too.

Let’s throw bodies at a problem

Ah my beloved management falacy: let’s throw bodies at a problem.

Let’s face it, nobody likes problems even small ones and if they are bigger even worst. The bigger or the more complex the problem the harder it is to find an obvious solution. If you’re lucky you’ll get the team members to work together to brainstorm some ideas that can work and resolve it and apply “trial and error”, which might or might not work as per desired timelines.

So what’s the “easiest” way out?

Let’s throw bodies at a problem.

I’ve lost count as to how many times different levels in the organization come up with let’s get more people, because more people the faster it is to resolve something right?

No!

Just because you get 9 mothers it doesn’t mean you’ll get the baby delivered in a month. Would be good, but that’s not how it works.

https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-illustration-throwing-money-business-cartoon-people-problem-image71736617

Every time I hear this answer to any given problem this song plays straight into my head

It’s very easy to believe that the more people you get the more problems / tasks they can achieve. The problem which is easily forgotten is that the more people you need the stronger the communication needs to be to be able to split a big piece of work in smaller parts, distribute the workload and all still fit together. The more people, the more management and if they happen to not have the right skillset for the problem it might end up having the undesired impact.

When you have a problem to tackle you need different ideas. Having 1 or 2 people from outside helping to brainstorm on how it can be tackled can indeed be quite helpful, but ultimately you need to be able to know how to distribute the work among all the “new joiners”. You’ll also have to spend some time explaining what the problem statement is so the additional resources can help to tackle it. I suppose if you have a big problem in the hands of a given team, the last thing the team will want is to have to do knowledge transfer to someone new. You’ll easily end up with a spaghetti monster of communication when no one knows who needs to do what.

Good article here

So what can you do instead?

Well, I’m a firm believer in the power of small teams. Hence, if you have a big problem to tackle, whereas you might benefit from some specific help (1 or 2 people), I would say it needs to come down to priority. What can be dropped from the team’s plate to tackle “the problem”. Get the team to brainstorm what could be done, split the work and let them try to achieve it.

Add into the backlog all the other items which are being paused, in priority item so they can start to be addressed as the resources become free from tackling the bigger issue.

Define quick wins that will booste the morale of the team and ensure they can indeed resolve this massive problem in front of them.

Empower them to make the right decisions within the team, which will reduce the time required to get all the buy in from the different stakeholders and let them present their findings and progress.

Blurred lines

Whoever is working from home and having to deal with the kids at the same time please raise your hands up in the air, that is, if you still have the energy to raise them.

I think every single parent out there trying to make it work at work with kids at home, be it with homeschooling or not, younger or olders, hats off. What a time! You go through a 360 round of emotions on a single day from: “I can nail this” to “I have no idea what I’m doing, is 10a.m too early to start drinking?”. The truth is we live in blurred lines.

Sourced from: Huffpost Canada

Pre-covid, most of us would commute to the office and have a clear physical separation between home and work, between which role in your life you were taking. In the office it was the professional you, then you had your commute back home where you could “enjoy” some me time, which for a lot of parents was the only me time they had, and then switching roles to the parent until eventually you would crash in bed after a long day. That physical separation helped us to switch between roles and help the brain cope with it. Yes, some of us would end up once in a while having to work at home, and yes if the kids would get sick or the school closed we would have to work from home with them around.

Right now however it feels like a constant battle where you don’t have a clue if your wining or losing it. I’m a firm believer multitasking is a lie, but now it’s a necessity. In the ideal world there would be 2 parents at home where 1 would dedicate a few slots in the working diary to support the kids and compensate at a later stage but it doesn’t work like that. You might be in the middle of a really important meeting when your precious little one remembers you are a snack provider, or that the tablet stopped working and it’s really important for it to be fixed right now. I’ve lost the count on how many times I ended blurbing in a middle because I lost my full train of thought.

But here’s some good news: every parent out there working from home is in the same boat! We all feel guilty we are not doing enough in both the homeschooling or work or both at the same time. We are trying out best in these unprecedented times. We are not super human, we are not an octopus either. Our brains are not geared to a gazillion things and more (while flipping pancakes at the same time).

So here’s my thoughts on this parenting jungle:

• Let’s be grateful first and foremost we are juggling work and parenting as it means we still have a job and we can work from home (I have found than in the middle of this madness practicising daily gratitute and recognizing all the good things I have helped me to keep sane);
• Our kids do not see our failures the same way we do (well unless they are teenagers, then they see failure in everything we do), they see the love we have for them and they feel happy for having us home next to them. I know they don’t say thank you when we are getting the 100th snack in the morning, but they feel a lot of happiness;
• We are spending more time with them, haven’t so many of us done the yearly resolution of spending quality time with the kids prior to all of this? I had. I know most of the time it feels too much, but I know she’s happy to see so much of me. Also she’s seeing how hard both mummy & daddy work (or try to make it work). That’s important too.
• Whenever your day allows try to divide your day in blocks:
  • Consider if you can wake up before the kids to get some work done before they wake up (this works for me because my daughter sleeps until 07h40 – 08h00, would never work if she was waking up at 06a.m!)
  • I find straight after breakfast my daughter is more focused (either playing or in the case of homeschooling), so you can use this slot for your focus time. In my case I happen to always have meetings in this slot, so works for me.
  • Block a mid morning slot where you can spend a few minutes with the kids, either help them with school work or even just sit next to them and paint, or do some maths together or even play some lego. We all need a break right?
  • Plan your snacks. Yes I mean it. Plan what you are comfortable with them eating and leave them in places where they can easily reach it (e.g. fresh fruits, cereal bars, bread). My daughter is even able to do her breakfast by herself as I ensure I have most of the stuff within her reach (she will use the chair to be able to remove the bread from the toaster and she can open the fridge to get her milk). On the other hand, hide all the stuff they are not meant to eat without supervision (chocolate, cookies, you name it). I have to ask my husband to hide it really high so there’s no chance she can reach anything (after we found her eat a whole package of cookies in one go that I had hidden and still she manage to find). This means they don’t need to disturb you all the time for snacking. Also they love being independent.
  • Reserve a slot in your calendar for lunch together at the table. I do meal planning on the weekend and mostly dinner meals will include leftover for lunch next day so I don’t need to stress over making food and finding a slot for lunch. It’s just warm up and sit together at the table.
  • If you have a critical meeting and your other half can support you and ensure the kids are monitored, great. If you have a part of the house / flat you can hide, then hide. You could also try to talk to the kids and tell them not to disturb you for whatever it takes. Bribary is totally allowed here. As said, we are not super heroes. Whatever works!
  • If you have something critical to finish but didn’t manage to finish during the day then try to finish after kids go to bed. I have to ask my husband if this happens given that my daughter is really hard to put in bed and she will not fall asleep before 20h20 or 21h no matter how early I start the routines.
• You know all the rules about how much tablet and tv was allowed? Forget it! Bin them if you need to. As I said, sanity is more important than anything else.
• Give them a role in the household, e.g. I’ve asked my daughter to ensure the cat has food in his bowl also to tell daddy if he popped so he can clean it (I said give a role, not necessarily a fair one!). They need to understand they need to help based on what they can do for their age. The house doesn’t get sorted by magic. I ask my daughter to put the table while I warm up the food or clean the dishes and she quite enjoys it as a 4 year old (well, most of the time).
• Celebrate the weekends by planning something special (if you’re running our of ideas use the existing holidays, especial days, I never celebrated valentines day until this year for example). Here’s a few things we’ve done recently: Movie night with popcorn, playstation game night, pijama party with pillow fight, board game night, making clay hearts and then paiting them another weekend. I’m sure some of you out there have even better ideas than mine.
• Give yourself a big hug, because this is hard! Remember there is no point in a burn out: Nobody will thank you for it. You can’t have it all perfect, so just decide what’s really important and what can be left behind (valid both for work items as well as stuff around the house). No matter how hard we try we can’t ace it everywhere just remember what’s really really important and you are important too!
• It’s ok to celebrate when the kids go back to school again, I will be celebrating that’s for sure (she has been home since 11th December, almost 3 months now!)

The lines are blurred so it’s up to you to find how to give some kind of order to your day and find what works for all of you. There is no right or wrong answers here, just keeping sane.

Priorities (and the frog strikes back)

Sharing something I wrote during my 3rd flight this week

Everyone is always talking about priorities… and how much important it is to prioritize, to keep focus on the real important things and be able to let go what’s not necessary. Potentially delegate some tasks to other members of the team (valid at work but also at home). It’s kinda minimalistic approach which I really like… but… and there’s always a but… (in theory everything is beautiful)

How many of you have faces a situation where everything is a priority?

* Boss 1: Topic A is the priority for this week
* Boss 2: I know that boss 1 said topic A is the priority, but also keep in mind that topic B is also very important
* Boss 3: Please focus on topic C

I guess you get the picture. So in the end I guess the priorities are not such a black & white scientific thing.

I forgot to mention that normally these messages are followed by something like “ahhh and if you have conflicting priorities please speak with your line manager”.

So now I ask, how many of you actually go back and say very bluntly: “I know A, B and C and maybe D have priority, but I’m only human, therefore I will only do 1, 2 and 3. So if this is a problem let me know”

For those of you committed to work (I’m sure some of you fellow readers will fit in the picture), there will always be a tendency to actually commit to do 4 and 5 and sometimes 6,7, 8…
But now here’s something to consider: have you really thought about your priorities? I mean your priorities? Is it that important to do all that extra?  How much are you willing to sacrifice? How much have you sacrificed already? What is your goal?

If it’s to get a fast track career, that is valid as well, although I could argue that you can always work smarter (this was an advise from a friend of mine). Not all the work you do will ever be noticed and recognized. Try to focus on the key important things. Looking back to successfully people more work doesn’t mean faster career. Just means more work.

But if it’s not just about career, even if you enjoy what you do, then try to step back and define your own limits. A little secret: no one else will!

Let’s go back to the frog in the pan…. (I quite feel like the frog is a known friend by now), you may not notice that you are above your limits, because it’s every day a little more and that at some stage you’ve stopped having the benefit of enjoying the work you do. You just kept on carrying on.

If you are lucky you will have family and friends that will call you back to earth:
“Have you noticed that you tend to work a lot more than your peers? And for what? You don’t have time for anything else”.

But it should always come from you. No one else will recognize what is too much and what is important for you.

So please prioritize and adjust, even if it means jumping out of the pan you know into the unknown, you may actually be surprised that you feel much happier and there’s life outside.

You can always follow a more pragmatic approach and do baby-steps and start by saying No – it’s important too!