The power of saying No

Ah No! That little word we learn around when we are 2 years old and are told by our parents that we are just a terrible 2.

Yet it’s such a powerful word despite having negative connotations and one we need to re-learn how to use all over again. Go in front of the mirror and practice with me: No. Not a but, not a maybe, just a No.

But why is it so hard to say no?

Let’s face it, we are people pleasers. We evolved by being next to others, having each others backs against predators or other enemies. Belonging to a community was part of our survival, it’s wired in our brains. So it’s not easy. Worst of them all is to say no when everyone around you says yes.

Say you get a request on a friday night to work over the weekend, if the first person of the team says yes, that’s it, the rest of you will feel cornered into pulling one for the team. You don’t want to be the one saying no, unless it’s something really major like a family funeral or your kids birthday. All of you will be upset about it, because who loves being called last minute to work when you were planning to rest? Even if you had no plans at all, well there’s one you didn’t had: work!

We avoid hard conversations – and that includes saying no – because we don’t like conflict. It’s not comfortable and we want to belong. Many of us all assume – with some evidence – that if you say no you are limiting yourself in your career growth. What if it’s not quite like that? What if you might end up being respected for it?

Establishing boundaries

The first step is to recognize what your boundaries are. What are your non compromisable slots / actions? Is it that you want to take the kids to school or want to start your day with some exercise? Or rather that after 17h30 you really need to spend time with your family, cook dinner and eventually unwind yourself? Just identify what those are and a) add them in your calendar and b) communicate to those that could impact them what they are.

The more specific you are the better, e.g. every weekday I want to run from 07h to 08h and that includes any prep time before / after running. Or maybe it’s not every day and just tuesdays and thursdays.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

Trust me, you cannot rely on common sense for people to know what your boundaries are. I guess whereas everyone can accept that being called at 03a.m, 07a.m might be ok for some but not for others. So the key here is to communicate. Be as clear and assertive as you can regarding your boundaries. This is valid with your family, friends and at work too.

Work wise, this would be a really good topic for your 1 on 1 with your line manager. If you don’t have them, then start to schedule them. If you receive requests which you don’t like, the fault is not only on the requestor but also on you for not making it clear what’s acceptable and what’s not. Most companies will have a code of conduct, and in some countries even specific laws (like in France, where it’s against the law to call employees after hours (here) – we seriously have a lot to learn from them). But as we are all unique, so our boundaries. So if you want to avoid disappointment and high levels of stress I would make them all clear.

I would go as far as also share them with your colleagues, in the coffee break you can say how taking your kids to school really makes you happy and it’s a non compromisable slot for you, or playing football with your friends thursday night. If you are willing to share them, you will find others will too, in turn making it easier for you guys to protect each other. Ah I won’t book that call with Steve as it’s thursday and he’s going to football, lets do friday morning instead.

Don’t be afraid to say No

For every yes you say, it’s a sequence of No’s you are saying. If you stay late in the office you will miss dinner with your family and your rest. Is it something you are willing to “sacrifice”? Yes it’s nice to say yes to people, it feels good as just discussed but how bad does it feel when you compromise your boundaries and over time, might end up with burnout due to saying yeses to everyone but to yourself?

So don’t be afraid to say no.

Say No is one of the best tools for self-care. Is it against one of your boundaries? Then say No. If you’ve invested the time in communicating what is not compromisable, then saying no should be a lot easier. Yes there might be the odd exception when you might end up saying yes, but it can’t be the rule.

Someone who has the courage to say no will be respected, because we ALL struggle with it after all. Your line manager has the same problem too, believe me. We all do. So if you say no and it’s clear you are doing so to protect your boundaries, you will be respected. If they still argue that you have to do x, y and z and don’t respect you, then it’s really time for you to find some other place. Most people though, would understand and be able to find a compromise somewhere.

I have to admit I’m really with Gen Z on this one. We just keep on saying yes again and again, and in turn we are boiling like our friend the frog in the pan. It’s hard, it’s itchy but if you don’t protect yourself no one will. There will always more work, more to do’s that demand your time and attention. How much are you willing to sacrifice from your mental health just so you don’t have to say no?

I do believe in the power of every single no. It will protect you and others will be encourage to do the same. Maybe it will shift organizations to understand that we are not robots and if they expect excellence and delivery they have to respect the employees too. If you are exhausted and in burnout you cannot give your best self nor resolve problems. You might break to the point of no return and might not even get a thank you back. So yes give your best, feel proud of your achievements every day but don’t forget to take care of yourself, even if that means using a good old fashioned: NO.

The age of burnout

“Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.” – Michael Gungor

Welcome to the age of burnout

Isn’t it funny that in the age of AI we totally forgot how to be human? Let’s go back to the basics and lets look at the pyramid of the human needs. If work is everything, we start to compromise even the most basic needs. Burnout is a way of your body to tell you to stop and to callibrate yourself before it’s too late.

What is burnout?

Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and often physical exhaustion brought on by prolonged or repeated stress. Though it’s most often caused by problems at work, it can also appear in other areas of life, such as parenting, caretaking, or romantic relationships. From Psychology today

Why so many of us and at such young ages are getting burnt out?

1 – Social media and the age of “you can have it all”.

Spoiler alert: no you can’t! We all have 24h and as per the basic pyramid of needs, we need rest. The brain doesn’t function properly without proper rest. If you go to bed thinking about work and the kids and all the things you haven’t done, you are not allowing yourself to decompress and actually rest.

We see all this self-made millionaires in silicon valley who advocate just a few hours sleep if you want to be successful. Well, what does success mean to you? If it’s burn out, you are on the right path.

2 – High expectations

Expectations have never been higher than before, not just those from society on you, but those you hold on yourself (oh boy, am I guilty of this one!). You have to be the acing your career, you have to be the best husband / wife, the best parent and attend everything your kids do at school and volunteer at school and in your local community and and and.

I remember my parents going to work and never bringing any work home. They did what was in the contract, no more, no less. Then we were told if you go to university you will get a good job and feel something you feel proud of. We mold our identity on the job title we have. Our ego’s feel amazing about it. You continuously compare yourself to others and your expectations keep on going higher and higher.

3 – The biggest lie of the century: multi-tasking

We have devices all over, 24/7 notifications demanding our attention, at the same time as emails keep on coming at the speed of light, and meetings because we have teams around the globe, and the kids can’t open the cooking jar and your other half doesn’t know where the car keys are. Our brains are not geared for this. If you keep on jumping from one task to the next and back again you are just burning yourself. There is nothing more restorative than a few hours of mindful focus. Focus on 1 thing and get it done. Is this how we function? Hell no.

I could add so many other reasons, so many in fact I could write a whole book about it.

What can we do about it?

Spoiler: The below lines are just a bunch of common sense but I still feel like adding them to remind ourselves.

Just say no

Practice with me: No. Not maybe, No. If your kid wants the 10th chocolate what do you say? No. That’s the no I’m after. No

Say no to everything which is not priority for you. Say no to your boss, say no to your colleagues, say no to your partners, say no to your kids. Prioritize where you say yes. And the first yes you need to use is for yourself. Yes am I going to take care of myself. Yes my rest is priority and I’m going to drop everything else during this slot which is not rest. (I wrote quite a lot about this in the “frog & the pan“)

Let the small fires burn, someone else can deal with them or they will burn and not need any action on them. You might even be more respected for having said No.

If you burn out there is no going back to your old self. What will you get from work? A pat in your back? They will move on without you, but you ruined your life. These days there are some leaders who really believe that the work you do is the reward you seek, that you feel fulfilled in doing what you do. And a lot of us might actually believe it! Remember this, if you get seriously ill there will be no going back.

Find ways to decompress

We are not made to be sitting with our butts for 12h in a row. We need to keep active and in contact with nature. So get out there and go for a quick walk in your local park. Join a class, whatever rocks your boat and works for you! There is a point where the brain is not productive anymore, so you will just be spending more hours to do something you could do in less than 1h if you had a well-rested mind. Stress is also a killer of creativity, which all companies need anyway (I wrote about it here). Find a slot that works for you and use it to restore some energy back in your brain. Book a meeting with yourself and do what you need to do.

Connect with others

We evolved close to others, it’s core to our survival throughout history. So you need to prioritize meaningful connections, either with your family, your friends, or those that you relate to (e.g. common interests). Talk with someone on how you feel, this might help you gain the clarity of mind to understand how deep in a hole you actually are (others might see it more clearly than ourselves).

Be the example you seek

Well someone has to stop it, especially if you have at least 1 person you are responsible for in your job, be the example. Lead with empathy, encourage others to turn off and unplug when they need to unplug and have their back. Wouldn’t it be amazing if at least every 1 person looked after just another person in the company?

Further reading:

Burnout

https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/stress/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jun/08/a-career-change-saved-my-life-the-people-who-built-better-lives-after-burnout

And before I end, a great video that sums it all.